Hey Government, stop trying to give me money!

Except I actually mean it.

So I might be the only person in America who, when the government sends me a $400 check, says, “I don’t really think I want this…”

I had this reaction for several reasons.

First, the government apparently thinks I’m eligible to collect the Making Work Pay credit.  This is a little mind-boggling to me because I didn’t earn any money… at all… in America last year.  Since my foreign income is less than $91,000, I also paid no taxes in America.  (And also no taxes in Japan.  HUZZAH tax treaties!)  Thus, I’m paranoid that if I decide to take advantage of this potential clerical error, it’ll come back to bite me in the ass.  In the form of scary IRS enforcers.  Eep!

Second, this money came from China.  Now, not saying I don’t love China (the country, the people in general, not the government), but I’m not the biggest fan of how much money we owe them.  I mean, they pretty much own a third of America.  And I dislike what that does to our soft power in Asia and our ability to bargain with China for important things.  Like, yanno, getting them to agree to sanctions on Iran or (even more unlikely) North Korea.

Third, even if we weren’t owned by China, I feel like I’d much rather give this money to someone who needs it, because I don’t really.  I mean, I’m not exactly rolling in the cash, but this might be used by someone who, say, is about to lose their home, or maybe having problems finding the cash to eat.  I have neither of those issues.

I mean, thanks economic stimulus, and all that jazz, for thinking of me, but in reality: please stop.  Because now I’m just confused, concerned, and guilty of the selfish desire to actually keep the money.  (The things I could use it for!  Paying off more of my student loans!  Or my credit card!  A NEW LENS FOR MY CAMERA!  More video games!  Books!  BAKING INGREDIENTS!)

In other news, OMG new Glee episode!  EEP!  Must download now!

And in other OTHER news, my mother recently sent me an email in which she used the phrase “OMG.”  My mother, bless her, is nearing 65.  I don’t think she even knows what OMG means.  Thus, I’m unconvinced that she wrote the email.  Mom, did you actually write that????